This Game Changed My Heart...

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Life is strange.

We try so hard to escape the realities of life by embracing fantasies constructed from broken people who are also trying to piece their lives together every single day. 

Sometimes those fantasies can end up shaping the direction of someone’s life. I was greatly shaped by the visual media influences I took in as a kid. As a first-generation Asian-American and the first born son in my family, there are a lot of cultural and societal things I’m only just sorting out now in my third decade on planet Earth. 

Uncustomizable Character

All of my life I’ve felt like I was following a path that was laid out in front of me. A character arc written for a character trope I was slotted into. I was a hero in a game that wasn’t customizable in ways that mattered. My core identity was coded into me and no matter how much I wanted to deviate or evolve from my first persona, I was reeled back into my cell by an invisible force constructed by the society around me.

Like a lot of other millennials after 2020, my mental health therapy sessions have become a strange badge of honor for self-preservation. I’m actually doing pretty well in life if you look at it on a monetary scale - I own two electric cars, bought a single family home in Southern California, and can support two dogs all the way from Korea - So why does my heart feel so dang heavy all the time?

My therapist asked me the big ole question of whether I’m actually happy doing the things I do in life. Struggling filmmaker, reluctant engineering technician, self-proclaimed tech journalist, and floundering adult. Those are just some of those modern hashtag thingies one could associate with Alexander Kwok.

I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish, but I’ve also lost sight of something important over the last few years. My therapist said I needed to stop my grind and do things that make me feel something again.

Infiltrating MY Desires

I told her I’d try to rediscover what I was missing. Remember how I said earlier that visual media greatly influenced who I am now? I used to watch a lot of TV and played plenty of video games on the weekends as a kid. That was surprisingly one of the 90’s parenting guidelines my folks didn’t align with during that era. Sure, I had limits to what I could watch and time frames in which I could play, but for the most part, I grew up with free access to Rugrats, Doug, Monster Rancher, and Power Rangers to name a few of my faves.

On the gaming end of things, ever since I was young, I gravitated towards games with tremendous storytelling focus. Naturally, Square and their Final Fantasy games hooked me in. JRPG’s shaped my teen years with franchises like Suikoden, Lunar: Silver Star Story, and the countless amounts of Gameboy Advance gems. 

I took what my therapist said to heart and dug a little deeper inside. The things that shaped me in my adolescence and teen years were undeniable. It’s easy to recognize for anyone who knew me back then.

Yet, I can’t even recall what the last game that resonated with me on an emotional scale was. In fact, I couldn’t even remember the last time I played a game for more than 10 hours not named Stardew Valley (last time I played that was in 2017). The last JRPG that I played from start to finish was Suikoden Tierkreis on the Nintendo DS. 

Some games just stick with you. I may not remember all the stars in Tierkreis, but I’ll forever remember the feelings I got inside of that castle base, on the eve of the final battle with all the heroes I gathered from my journey for one last peaceful night together. From the hollow empty halls in the beginning of the game to a now filled castle with warmth and personality; I didn’t want the game to end.

That was 2009. 

2009 me and 2023 me are in dramatically different spots in life. The responsibilities and experience difference makes me ponder what similarities we even have. I just can’t bring myself to get past a couple of hours of playing any game nowadays.

Don’t get me wrong, I still try to play games. There’s so many awesome games out there every year that attract me. I have the Nintendo Switch, an Xbox Series S, a PS4, and a gaming PC. It’s not like I lost my love for gaming. On the contrary, games have evolved to bring storytelling to a whole other level. It’s something I only dreamed about as a kid.

In filmmaking we have something called the Inciting Incident. It’s the event that sets the entire story in motion. This is what Hollywood used to say is the do or die moment that either hooks the audience into the story or leads them out of the room. Now that I’m in my thirties, I’ve realized that however great an Inciting Incident is, it just doesn't matter. If the person receiving it doesn’t have the heart to let the story in, it’s dead on arrival no matter how great it is. I’ve been broken due to the vigors of adult life. I lost my capacity to take in stories. Stories take time and my time is supposed to be better spent elsewhere as an adult.

Calling card Received

So flash forward to the night before I was scheduled to hop on a plane to Toronto and I’m setting up my Valve Steam Deck for emulation with nostalgic PS2 titles. This was my chance to replay some of these titles that shaped me as a kid. As I was wrapping up, I checked out the Steam Store and Final Fantasy VII: Remake was on the front page. I actually have the PS4 title sealed from launch day that I have not had the time to play. See how sad my life has become? I thought to myself, hell why not? So I purchased a Steam copy for my Steam Deck. 

Roaming in Tokyo made me interested in trying the game

Another game on the front page that Valve recommended to me caught my eye. It was anime themed, but what caught my attention was the main character walking through a crowded street in Shibuya, Japan. I was in Japan at that very spot in 2019 and was in awe that I supposedly could digitally walk through Tokyo in a game with that realism. A little skeptical of it, I decided to buy it and just test out whether I could really roam around Tokyo like the video showed. To be honest, I realistically thought I probably wouldn’t even open the game. I have so many unopened new games from the last half decade that it’s like a graveyard of sealed titles on my shelf.

During my trip, I began playing Final Fantasy 7 : Remake for a bit and got to have some fun new times with Jessie. I will say that it was a fun, somewhat nostalgic 5 or so hours I played on FF7 Remake, but nothing too mesmerizing for me. If I was back home, I probably would be working on a Sypnotix video over playing that game. Then something peculiar happened.

I started playing Persona 5 Royal.

At first it was just to satiate my curiosity over the Tokyo roaming thing. Then next thing I know, I’m back home. Thanksgiving had passed. Christmas even passed. I actually did not write, shoot, edit, or release a video through the 2 week holiday period. Getting off my weekly schedule would have normally given me tremendous anxiety. Deadlines would fill my chest with weight and I would not be able to shed it off until I got it done. You can imagine how filling a Youtube channel with weekly content can end up becoming an anxiety filled coffin.

I don’t remember the last Christmas where I actually took a longer break than the single holiday. It must have been my last year of college 10+ years ago.  

Since early schooling, we’re taught we need to work hard. We’re taught that some things we choose to do have negative worth. This slacking off thing is bad. We’re taught we have responsibilities that require sacrifices. If we deviate from that path, chaos happens. Your future collapses.

But I’m okay. The world didn’t end because I chose to play a video game at night instead of doing extra work to progress my career.

And I realized this thanks to Persona 5 Royal. Looking back on it, that one Autumn day up in Canada was when I received my calling card to change my heart.

Digital Therapy

You actually do go to therapy in the game

I’ve spent nearly 100 hours the last few months basically in digital therapy. I don’t say this lightly as someone who highly values what visual media can accomplish, but Persona 5 Royal truly helped my mental health. 

I’m not going to talk about JRPG mechanics that make it fun to play or tactical strategies that the franchise is known for as there are plenty of glowing reviews for this game across the internet. What I want to focus on is how this video game and gaming as a technology in general can be a source of healing that can ironically lead us back into reality. 

You see that walking in Shibuya thing I wanted to try out? That actually is in the game. But this game is so much more than just that. We play as a morally just high school student who has his world thrown into chaos because of those morals that he follows. Persona 5 Royal itself is a game about healing. Every character we befriend has their own set of self-doubt instilled inside of them. The trauma they all hold in their hearts is so relatable because we as humans have experienced all of these emotions in one way or another. 

Atlus lets us experience this on a day to day basis. Unlike a movie or a big action video game that skips over the mundane daily life for the next big story beat, Persona embraces these trivial things like hanging out after school to plant vegetables with a friend, or going to a theater to watch a movie to learn to be more charming. We as players get to choose what we want to do in this life. 

Want to go to work after school to make a bit of money and be more proficient at that job thanks to that experience? Sure you can do that.

Working after school raises your character traits

Want to go to the library and study with a classmate to increase your knowledge for the upcoming exam week while also getting to bond with someone you potentially have chemistry building with? You can do that too. 

These are things we do everyday in our own lives. These are things we did in our lives in the past. These are things we were denied the ability to do. I had group tutoring sessions during my school days. The difference is that I didn’t choose to be there. I was put there by my parents. My after school life activities were dictated by my parents and teachers to lead me to what they thought would be a successful life. That literally means do everything it takes to get into a good college.      

To now have the power in your hands to make these decisions again - to have that chance to shape your life is just so freeing - even if it is through a digital avatar. 

Seeing Myself

Persona 5 helped remind me of my humanity. Without knowing it, I had become the very same type of adult I felt was forcing me down a path I didn’t want to go towards.

I have to say that I don’t normally identify with main characters in games, but this one felt a bit too close to home for comfort. A listen-first outcast who seemingly draws in people of all personalities that constantly tell him “I don’t know why, but I feel like I can talk to you?”

Joker is definitely an INFJ

That’s literally the life of an INFJ. 

There was a period of time where I really needed gaming. MMORPG’s helped me out of a rough social period in my life. In middle school, I befriended someone who was a bit of an outcast, but ultimately became one of my closest friends. By association, many of my previous friends gravitated away from me and in some ways, I became a social pariah as part of the uncool kids. 

I wish I could say that real life is like the anime, My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU, or a dating sim game where the uncool kid finds solace with other misfits to form a tight knit group with a harem scenario, but my story didn’t play out exactly like that.

I did find my way in the MMO world and over time, I found myself a bit less alone. I was then surrounded by people both online and offline that found comfort in talking to me about their life and their issues. It wasn’t until much later in life that I learned about the trials of INFJ people.

When I did get categorized into this personality, it was as if a burden was lifted and I truly felt understood. See, INFJ personalities tend to care and want to help others without much respect for their own happiness. Many times they reach a breaking point. 

Sounds a lot like the Joker character we control in Persona right? An outcast who is a beacon for people in need of healing. It’s so rare that I see so much of myself in a character and the characters he attracts in his journey. 

Take for example the talented girl who imprisons her future away into a tiny room with nothing but anime and games to comfort her. Because her anxiety and trauma have warped her heart so deep away from reality, she has to set goals, no matter how big or small, to assimilate back into the social world. It’s not an easy thing for people to find their footing in this modern technological world we live in. So many people enthralled in Otaku culture can probably relate to this. I love how Persona 5 handles her story. It’s not abrasive or forceful at all. 

The inner conflicts are so relatable

Then we have a compulsive jock who has a good heart, but can’t help but get in his own way due to his big mouth and impulsiveness. What about the bright-eyed artist living in his own little world completely oblivious to the naive perception of life he’s created?

Persona 5’s characters are all so multi-complex with their goals and inner conflicts that I could easily associate people I care about in my own life with each of the heroes and even antagonists.

There was a coach in my high school who was almost a straight up replica of the first boss in this game. Many years later, the world found out a lot more about things that happened because of him, but at the time it was mere rumors spread by the student body, much like that in Shujin Academy in the game. Many of us heard or even noticed things that were off, but to my knowledge nobody had the inner strength to come forward. This is a similar regret that one of the main characters in the game constantly contemplates as a result of the first arc of the story.  

Even the homeroom teacher who goes out of her way to provide players an opportunity to slack off because she understood what the heroes are going through made me remember little details of my life I had left behind. I had been doing poorly in my foreign language class in high school and the teacher - who was a terrible teacher by the way - assigned me a private tutor who was slightly older than me. She turned out to be a very kind confidant for me.

I had sporting team practices, piano lessons, band drill practices, and tutoring after school to name a few of the things in my daily routine. After all that stuff had concluded, I would go to her home for an hour of tutoring in the evening. There were times that I was so exhausted that I dozed off while she was sitting right next to me trying to do her job. Instead of getting upset or slapping me awake, she put my jacket over my shoulders and let me sleep. I can only guess what she was thinking, but maybe she didn’t see a delinquent that my teacher had assumed I was because of my grades. Maybe she saw a kid overwhelmed with forced extracurricular activities who just needed someone to have their best interest first instead of results. 

These are acts of kindness that I’ll never forget, yet they’re also things I don’t have in the forefront of my mind on a day to day basis. Persona 5 helped remind me of my humanity. Without knowing it, I had become the very same type of adult I felt was forcing me down a path I didn’t want to go towards. I was forcing societal will into not only my outlook in life, but my own perception of humankind. 

A Change Of Heart

Life is strange.

I’ve avoided the Persona and Megami Tensei franchises my entire life. Yet for some reason, this is the game that I needed right now. To be able to experience it for the first time where I am right now in life, I can’t begin to explain how deep of an emotional connection I have with this game.  

When I learned after maybe 20 hours or so in the game that you can actually play a game console in your room and it has some benefit to you as an overall person, I took a second to gather my thoughts because that was what I needed to see for my mental health. 

Persona 5 says playing games is good for you

As a kid in the 90’s during the whole Mortal Kombat media debacle, I’ve been force fed my entire life that TV and video games had only bad influences on people. Nothing good could come out of it. It’s a waste of time and a distraction from real things that I should be doing. 

For a game to literally show that it’s okay to take time out of saving the world to relax and play a video game in the attic on a rainy night because it’s beneficial to your character building? That’s special. It reinforces to me what I knew in my heart since I was a kid; video games can make us better people. 

Video games can make us healthier people. They can make us kinder people.

And the most important thing I remembered that Persona 5 Royal reminded me is that I’m a person. I have bad days and good days like everyone else. They’re all part of progressing my story. The same goes for having curry with my best friend or just walking through a shopping district for no reason at all one night in October. Nothing we do is a waste of time in life.

In Persona 5, whenever you return home at night to the coffee shop, the owner always says “Ah, you’re back.”

I am back.

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